I've had a blog on another site for years.... but I decided to make a public one. A great topic for my first public entry!
I joined a dating website. Yikes!
My boss suggested I start a blog about it. "THAT could be a moneymaker!" she said. When she did online dating, her first or second date ended up being with a dude with one hand. The next date, the guy said he loved her on the first date. I don't know if I could compare with that. She met her husband on her third date. Heck, I'd take a one legged stalker if I met my husband right after. I dunno if I can recap in it's entirety, the awkwardness that pursued at my first date, but I'll try.
In all honesty, I knew it was not going to work out even before I agreed to meet him in person. I figure this is my first time meeting someone from online, I better go with someone whom I seem to have low expectations for...meaning, I won't get all girly and nervous and antsy. Just planning out the routine of how these things should go, if I were in fact to plan out a semi-serious meeting. A dress rehearsal, if you will. I'd rather plan this out with no emotional attachment to said person.
How did I know it wasn't going to work ahead of time, you may ask? I have a very good cockiness-ometer. I picked up bragging hints....like: I drive a BMW, I made my client $55 million last year, my last date said I was way hotter in person than the pictures she saw. After a week of e-mails and phone calls...we set up a time and place to meet.
Cockiness-ometer. I should market that. Anyway...
So, meeting place? Starbucks. He got annoyed I suggested it because I didn't want to do a whole sit down dinner thing. Then I'd be stuck paying for a meal with someone whose company I may or may not have enjoyed. He also texted me 5 minutes before I was supposed to be there, asking where I was, with a tone suggesting I was late. I've never stood anyone up. I was not about to stand up my very first online date. Even though I maybe should have. I arrived at 7:31. Right on time.
SO.... I chose Starbucks. I heavily crowded Starbucks. What if he was a murderer? I texted my roommate, Michelle, before I went. "I'm meeting a dude from online. If he turns out to be a mass murderer and kills me, my last whereabouts was a Starbucks in Union Square. I may or may not have ordered a hot cocoa. Tell my family I love them. XoXo"
So I walk up to Starbucks and it looks like this dude wants to punch walls. He doesn't look angry, just very stressed. Let's call him....Puncher, from now on. Puncher does not smile when he sees me. Instead, he looks over my head and pulls me in for a hug. (Sidenote: I am not a hugger. I hug family, close friends.... but I never hug strangers. I am a handshake and then hand sanitizer kind of girl.) Puncher is 6'4....and not on the slim side, yet not on the heavy side. I'll say he's beefy. So as he pulls me in, he does it a little too quick for me and I basically bounce right off of him. Awkward hello: check! I'm lucky I didn't wipe out and face plant on the sidewalk.
So, I open the door to go into to Starbucks and he says it's too crowded...we should walk to the Starbucks on third avenue. I start walking towards 14th street, apparently too far away from him while we walk, because he grabbed my elbow to bring me closer to him, claiming "You don't have a very good sense of direction. The Starbucks is this way." So, within the first few minutes of meeting, I'm texted for being late (which I was not), belly checked across the sidewalk, and then insulted for turning right instead of left. Within 5 minutes I knew, I would not be having children with this man.
No worries, I made a joke about my "horrible" sense of direction. (Which in fact, I give great directions to tourists and was mildly insulted by this comment!) and we head to the next Starbucks... which was the size of a parking spot. Less crowded than Union Square but that was because it could only fit four people in it.
Puncher starts talking about how he didn't do anything all day because he did not have work and had a man slumber party with his buddy, etc., etc. Very exciting stuff. A non-stimulating conversation? Check! We get inside the Starbucks and I have a gift card and buy us some cocoa and pastries. I found us a place to sit, got us chairs, everything. He then talked about how much he hated children, how he almost failed out of college numerous times and how he lived in a frat house. Yikes. I was ready to go home now.
But no! Puncher wanted to stay out longer. He asked to walk around more. I made a mental note to come up with ways to get out of these situations fast, for the future! A lame phone call from a friend? I could not pull that off. I'd probably end up laughing as soon as the phone rang. Stopping right in the middle of it, making a tire screeching sound and saying: "Yeah, I'm not feeling this. I'm gonna just go." Spin around on my heel and run like hell. I'd most likely cry because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Perhaps I set up a date for a specific allotted time: "Sure I can meet for coffee at 7:00, but I have a thing at 7:30 so it will have to be quick!" If it goes well, I can cancel said (fake) plan.
So we contunied walking. I made sure we stayed on well lit streets. We eventually stopped in a Halloween store, where, he stayed so close to me the whole time, I could hear him breathing in my ear. It had snowed the day before and when we left the store he kept holding his hand out for me to walk in the snow. Listen Puncher, I've known you about 15 minites, I can walk fine by myself and I don't have enough hand sanitizer for this whole evening. Puncher kept walking farther away from the subway that we both needed, when finally, I put my foot down. "Well, I think it's time for us to start heading back towards the subway. I have to be at work at 3:00 am (TOTAL LIE) anyway and I better get home now....like, right now."
Lucky for me, we take the same train home, he gets off a few stops before me. Perfect. In a loud subway cart, plenty of lights, no room for anything. Wrong. Puncher cornered me by the door, sandwiched me in. It's really my fault. I should have snagged a seat. I actually was not paying attention to anything he said in the subway, as I was trying to maneuver out of his eye-site. The doors opened at his stop and I stuck out a fist for a pound, with a toothy smile. "Well, I'll see ya when I see ya, Puncher!" He smiled back. Said he had fun, shook my hand while I scooted away from the door, giving him plenty of room to pass." Shwew! Dodged the bullet.... or did I?
I stayed on the train and arrived at my stop maybe 20 minutes later. As soon as I get above ground, Puncher is standing just outside the subway steps! Wait...no, no he wasn't. Just kidding. But he may as well have because I had a text message from him stating he had a great time and would love to go out with me again. I didn't respond for a full hour, simply because I needed to analyze. Was my body language inviting him for more? Was my sarcastic tone and cutting the evening short not a hint? A hug hello and a handshake goodbye not sealing the deal? Who really wants to be in bed by 9:00?
I responded an hour or so later, after much contemplation, simply stating "It was great meeting you, but I will be honest in saying I do not see this going farther than a friendship"
Puncher did not respond and in fact, I was irritated that he didn't. If I had said that right after(or even before) coffee, I could have saved myself a whole bottle of hand sanitizer and some sanity. I almost called him up, saying what's the deal? You cant respond? But then i realized, i didn't want him to. This is the way it was supposed to go, I guess.
And I wonder....if he had a blog, what would he write about me? I don't think he could come up with a clever nickname like Puncher. He'd probably come up with something more original...like... bitch.
I'll say it was a good practice run. I'm sure it could have gone worse. I can only hope it will go better....if I decide to keep up with this online dating thing. The whole idea of it is kind of weird. But you have to say, it is mildly entertaining.
No spell check, like always. Goodnight.
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